Surrounded by Loneliness
by Casteline
Summary: An examination of Buffy's loves. Buffy/Angel, Buffy/Riley, but mostly Buffy/Spike


_Valentines is coming up, which means its time for some depressive angst (instead of my typical perky writing *eyeroll*)._

_Now, I am a firm supporter in Spuffy, and it probably shows. I can't help it, I really didn't like Riley and I never thought that Angel was right for Buffy. I did try to portray her relationship with each of them equally, though I'd say I failed in that task._

_I had initially intended to include someone from season 8 (if you've read it, you know who I'm talking about, if you haven't, oh well), but I found it just wasn't working for me. Which is kind of ironic, see as the idea initially stemmed from said two-night-stand._

* * *

**Surrounded by Loneliness**

_"I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop."_

Angel had been her first love. A crazy, intense, passionate, nearly world ending love. Night after night hunting was left forgotten, the vampires and demons and worries hidden away in the back of her mind as she became a slave to their passion.

But loving him had been dangerous, and not just for themselves. For the world. One moment of pure happiness and he lost control, the soul was gone and the demon reappeared. One moment of happiness and he was Angelus. He'd nearly destroyed the world.

Then he was Angel again, and it felt like he only been back a moment before he was leaving again. She hated saying good bye, but they both knew it was for the best. Their love was too powerful, too much. He'd nearly destroyed everything once, it couldn't happen again.

*

_"Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content... just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me."_

Riley had been so different. There was passion between them, and she could be with him in the sunlight. They could fight the demons and vampires hand in hand, then relax together after.

But Riley had become unstable. He started to drift away when he realized she would never love him.

When he left, she hurt. And when he came back married, it hurt more. She had loved him, but it could never have been enough.

*

_"Now, you listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you. And dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine - done things I'd prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood. Which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. I've made a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You."_

Spike was… she wasn't really sure what Spike was, not in the beginning. He had been an enemy, then an impotent annoyance to the Scoobies, then an obsessed fool, the Dawn's protector, then her violent lover. And then…

Then he'd gotten his soul for her. And she'd never expected that.

But then, maybe she shouldn't have been so surprised. Even when he'd been evil, one of her greatest enemies, he'd still been a slave to his human emotions, to his love for Drusilla, his jealousy toward Angel.

Without a soul, his love for her was intense and violent, yet often beautiful. When his soul had been returned to him, he was crazy, delusional. Then he was better and his love for her had never shone brighter. He never pushed her like he had before, he kept his distance, but never let her forget.

Near the end, he'd been her one faithful companion. The one person in her live who hadn't betrayed her. He loved her completely, and he would never leave her, if he had any say in the matter. It was in that moment that she realized she loved him just as greatly. And it was the love they shared that gave her the strength the do what she had to.

And then he was gone. Sacrificed himself to the pit, to have her, them. Part of her hated him for that, for leaving her.

Part of her wasn't surprised. She was destined to be alone.


End file.
